First, let me say I do believe in God – a greater power than me. I am aware of Jesus’ sacrifice, and I believe in Heaven and that Daniel is there. But I am having difficulty seeing my future.
What I see is a huge plastic sheet that hangs over me, making the view obscure. I cannot see beyond the crinkled blurry sheet, and I cannot get around its flimsy wall.
It’s not okay that Daniel is gone. I told God that. It’s not okay that when 3:30 p.m. comes on weekdays and I don’t hear the special ringtone I gave Daniel when he calls telling me he is on his way home. It’s not okay when 3:55 comes, and he doesn’t yell up the steps to say to me he is home.
There are so many things that are not okay – And there is nothing I can do to make it okay. I do believe the rawness I now feel will heal, but it will take a long time.
In my walk, I am not physically alone. I have wonderful kids, grandkids, family, and friends who are walking with me. A few even know what it is like to lose a husband, but the hole in my heart reminds me I am alone – and that is not okay.
In my mind, I know my faith and my belief in God will carry me through this valley. – it will just take a lot of time to acknowledge that my identity has changed from being Daniel’s wife – us being a couple to my new identity of being a widow and not being a couple.
Grief never ends… But it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…
It is the price of love.