Happenings in Christine's World

Short stories of life, thoughts, and feelings

It’s Not Okay

8 Comments

First, let me say I do believe in God – a greater power than me. I am aware of Jesus’ sacrifice, and I believe in Heaven and that Daniel is there. But I am having difficulty seeing my future.

What I see is a huge plastic sheet that hangs over me, making the view obscure. I cannot see beyond the crinkled blurry sheet, and I cannot get around its flimsy wall.

It’s not okay that Daniel is gone. I told God that. It’s not okay that when 3:30 p.m. comes on weekdays and I don’t hear the special ringtone I gave Daniel when he calls telling me he is on his way home. It’s not okay when 3:55 comes, and he doesn’t yell up the steps to say to me he is home.

There are so many things that are not okay – And there is nothing I can do to make it okay. I do believe the rawness I now feel will heal, but it will take a long time.

In my walk, I am not physically alone. I have wonderful kids, grandkids, family, and friends who are walking with me. A few even know what it is like to lose a husband, but the hole in my heart reminds me I am alone – and that is not okay.

In my mind, I know my faith and my belief in God will carry me through this valley. – it will just take a lot of time to acknowledge that my identity has changed from being Daniel’s wife – us being a couple to my new identity of being a widow and not being a couple.

Grief never ends… But it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…
It is the price of love.

8 thoughts on “It’s Not Okay

  1. Christine,

    I have experienced what you are experiencing a little over a year ago. Grief still lingers, however you learn to deal with it differently. When I’m sad I just start thinking of the good memories and talk to her. I found the hardest word for me to hear when people were talking was WE. I now tell anyone that will listen to enjoy all of the WE moments they can get.

    Will keep you in my prayers. Daniel was a good man and his heritage will live on.

    Stewart Nell

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    • Stewart –
      Dan told me about your loss. I know you understand how I am feeling. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with me. So true – it is the good memories that keep me going. The days prior to his accident were extra special and I hole on to those days with everything I have. I understand what you are saying about the WE.

      Thank you for your kind words about Dan.

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  2. Well said Christine. They tell me when you lose your spouse it takes time. it will never be the same for you. Daniel would especially want you to go on. God will help you deal with the grief.

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  3. I would feel the same way if I lost Denny. I know they say time heals all wounds but from what I hear it’s not that easy. God will help you get through this. Just keep the good times in your thoughts . My prayers are with you. God Bless you.

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    • Thank you, Suzanne – the pain softens I am sure, but getting to that point is a long journey – and yes, without God’s care and love I couldn’t do it – as well as the good memories I shared with Dan.

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  4. I watch you walk through the pain and wish it wasn’t you that I see in pain. I watch you grieve and wish I could make the hurt stop. I watch you talk of the great things you and Dad did together and the great, caring things he did for you and I know how much he loved you and you loved him back. I watch you, but I know I’m not the only one who’s watching you and watching over you! Forever God will watch over you as angels sing and dad sings with them♥️

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    • Sarah – what would I do without you and your brother – and the rest of the family and friends – God has already taken good care of me with all the beautiful people he put in my life. Your dad always wanted to be in a quartet. He is now part of the heavenly choir and is singing his heart out.

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